TOPICS TO BE COVERED IN THE PARENT INFORMATION PROGRAM

The Supreme Court of the State of Arizona entered Administrative Order No. 96-52 on October 30, 1996 which identified the purpose of the parent information program and set forth topics which shall be included.

"The purpose of such programs is to educate parents involved in certain domestic relations court actions about the impact that divorce, the restructuring of families and judicial proceedings have on minor children."

The following ten topic were identified as areas to be covered in the parent information program:

1. Common reactions by children and parents to divorce and separation.
2. Helpful and harmful parent behaviors.
3. Communication and co-parenting skills.
4. Harmful effects on children of parental conflict, including domestic violence.
5. Children's reactions to divorce and separation at different developmental stages and warning signs of serious problems.
6. Emotional and financial responsibilities of parents.
7. Factors which contribute to healthy adjustment for children including the value of parenting plans.
8. Basic domestic relations court procedures.
9. Issues surrounding continued access to maternal and paternal relatives.
10. Resources in the community to obtain additional services.

CFT has developed a comprehensive course outline that addresses these, and other, topics. In addition, we show portions of the video "Children: The Experts on Divorce." CFT invites participants to attend our parent information program with their questions, concerns, goals, and challenges. CFT desires to be responsive to and supportive of your parenting needs during this time of family transition. Following are examples from the comprehensive course outline.

1. COMMON REACTIONS BY CHILDREN AND PARENTS TO DIVORCE AND SEPARATION:

No matter how you cut it, divorce is painful. Uncoupling is disorganizing, unsettling, and extremely stressful. While defining some of the transitions involved in divorce may not take away all of the pain, it does normalize a process for us, and identify some ways to cope. It helps us to see that there is a progression, a beginning and an ending. Knowing this can help us to identify with others who have similar experience in the process and to find better coping skills for ourselves and our children.

Divorce involves the emotional process of letting go, anger, the toll of anger, creating order out of chaos, defining the transitions, and adaptations. Adaptation requires change, restructuring or reinventing some portion of life, changing the way stressors are perceived or managed, learning new skills, and finding new resources. In the CFT parent information program, we will discuss this process, the feelings, coping and management strategies, new skills, and resources.

2. HELPFUL AND HARMFUL PARENT BEHAVIORS:

No one is born already knowing how to parent. We learn parenting through experience over time and through education. The CFT parent information program addresses parenting through changes in the family.

Three helpful tips on parenting through family change are:

1. Remember that you are important. Nothing can substitute for you in your child's life.
2. Remember that your child's other parent is important. Nothing can substitute for them in your child's life.
3. Reassure your child that you love them and will always take care of their needs.

Three harmful parent responses through family change are:

1. Withholding access in order to get even with the other parent, or in order to gain more financial security.
2. Using children to relay messages and information to the other parent.
3. Making derogatory references to the other parent, or their extended family.

3. COMMUNICATION AND CO-PARENTING SKILLS

Dr. Constance Ahron, in her book The Good Divorce, has identified five forms of restructured parenting relationships. It is important for parents to consider these in order to make empowered choices on the design of a restructured parenting relationship. In the CFT parent information program, discussion will focus on working together with the other parent, creating an effective communication system and acquiring new skills to support the selected model.

Dissolved Duos: Contact and communication is either cut off or completely refused. One parent may move away and make no contact with the other parent or the children for months, or years. For some people, the only way they can cope with the circumstances or painful emotions of the loss is to totally retreat. If this happens, children tend to blame themselves and view themselves as "unlovable" or "not good enough." This is extremely destructive for children.

Fiery Foes: These former partners have absolutely no capacity for cooperating with each other as co-parents and continue to feel rage for the other parent. In these cases, the legal action was unusually bitter and full of accusations and blame. These parents stay deadlocked in a power struggle that can persist for years, despite the negative impact such conflict has on the children. These parents cannot accept the parenting rights of the other parent. Children of these parents are truly caught in the middle of a war and often find it difficult to develop a healthy sense of self-esteem or a safe, emotionally secure relationship with either parent.

Angry Associates: These former partners continue to feel angry and hurt every time they deal with each other. The anger may be hidden or under control at times, but surfaces when negotiations or contact with the other parent is necessary. These parents seem unable to work together on issues concerning the children. They continue to complain about the other parent and continue to assign blame. Access exchanges tend to be full of tension and frequently result in angry words, sarcasm or hostile silence.

Cooperative Colleagues: These parents are not good friends, but are able to cooperate in a good natured way for the sake of the children. These parents often have a matter of fact communication with each other about the children. In resolving problems that come up, they are able to separate their feelings about the other parent from their responsibilities to the children.

Perfect Pals: These parents are able to find a way to maintain a real friendship with each other. Generally, these couples made a mutual decision to end the partner relationship. They respect each other as people and view the other person as a responsible parent. Although they may still have occasional disagreements, they are able to negotiate and compromise on behalf of the children.

4. HARMFUL EFFECTS ON CHILDREN OF PARENTAL CONFLICT, INCLUDING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE:

Children depend upon their parents to be emotionally stable. They become frightened if their security is threatened. It is very scary for children to see their parents emotionally upset and out of control. It is not the divorce experience that is so devastating to children, but rather the divorce wars that the children have to experience.

During the CFT parent information program, examination will be made of how parental conflict and domestic violence create significant risks for children such as:

Emotional Effects:

• Feeling guilty for the abuse and for not stopping it
• Confusion about conflicting feelings toward parents
• Depression and feeling of helplessness and hopelessness

Cognitive Effects:

• Blaming others for their own behavior
• Having a low self esteem
• Learning to not ask for what they want or need

Behavioral Effects:

• Out of control behaviors
• Rigid defenses
• Bed wetting and nightmares

Social Effects:

• Isolation from friends and family
• Poor anger management and problem solving skills
• Engage in exploitative relationships as perpetrator or victim

Physical Effects:

• Somatic complaints
• Nervous, anxious, and short attention span
• Desensitization to pain

5. CHILDREN'S REACTIONS TO DIVOCE AND SEPARATION AT DIFFERENT DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES AND WARNING SIGNS OF SERIOUS PROBLEMS:

One of the factors that is key to how children handle the change in family brought by divorce and separation is the age and stage of development of the child. Toddlers and teens handle change differently. The CFT parent information program will look at different developmental stages to identify the primary developmental task being addressed at that stage of development. Next, we will examine how children that age react when they are exposed to family changes, parental conflict and domestic violence. Then, we will identify some helpful parent responses for children that age.

INFANTS and TODDLERS: During the first stage of social development, infants and toddlers learn trust through the consistent and continuous nurturing of their primary caregivers. If care is loving and consistent, they learn they need not worry about a loving, reliable parent. They are less likely to experience anxiety when the parent is gone. Infants and toddlers are very sensitive to the emotional state of the primary care giver and respond to this emotional state.

PRE-SCHOOL: About the fourth year to about the fifth year, the child becomes more capable of detailed motor activity, refined use of language, and vivid imagination. At this state, children begin to explore what type of person they can become by testing limits of what is permissible and what is not. If parents ridicule the child's self-initiated behaviors, the child may feel guilty and choose to narrow the possibilities of their imagination and play. The effects of this may be delayed learning once the child starts elementary school.

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL: During the elementary school years, children learn the skills necessary to socialize and become productive team members. The ability to complete work by steady attention and diligence offers a sense of industry. If children do not develop a sense of competence, they may feel inferior and lose confidence in their ability to contribute.

ADOLESCENCE: This stage represents the transition period between childhood and adulthood. During this stage children must assimilate all they have learned about themselves and society and eventually gain a personal identity. This is a time of searching for an identity but not of having one. If young adults do not feel at home with who they are, they may experience a negative identity and role confusion.

6. EMOTIONAL AND FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITIES OF PARENTS:

The Family Court Department has defined its Number 1 priority, or core value as:

"Ensuring that children are adequately supported financially and emotionally, including regular and meaningful time with both parents when possible and appropriate."

In defining this core value, the Family Court has re-defined the term "child support." In the CFT parent information program, we will examine what financial support communicates to children and explore ways for parents to define each parent's responsibility for the children's budget.

7. FACTORS WHICH CONTRIBUTE TO HEALTHY ADJUSTMENTS FOR CHILDREN IN CLUDING THE VALUE OF PARENTING PLANS:

Children need to have a safe, warm environment in order to share their feeling about divorce with you. In the CFT parent information program, discussion will center on how to:
a) Set the scene by talking about problems, changes, and expectations with the children so that there are no surprises;
b) Ask your child specific questions that will encourage communication; and
c) Always give clear answers to your child's questions.

Children need to know:

• They are not responsible.
• They are loved by both parents.
• They will be able to have a continued relationship and time with both parents.

8. BASIC DOMESTIC RELATIONS COURT PROCEDURES:

In the CFT parent information program, we outline how all Family Court cases begin with the filing of a Petition to resolve legal conflicts and disputes.

• Pre-Decree Petitions: Begin court actions to dissolve a marriage; obtain legal separation; obtain an annulment; or determine paternity
• Post-Decree Petitions: seek to modify child custody, child support, parenting time or to enforce access
• Orders of Protection: A Petition may be filed in cases of domestic violence. The petitioning party will meet with a judicial officer who will grant or deny the petition, or set it for a hearing. After the order is signed, it must be served upon the Defendant. It is not effective until service. After service, the Defendant may request a hearing, which must be set within 10 days. The order is effective for one year from the date of service.
• Service: After a petition is filed, the Petitioner must serve the Respondent with a copy of the petition within 120 days. This can be done by a registered process server, or acceptance of service. The Respondent then has 20 days to file a response, 30 days if they reside out of state.
• Default: If no response if filed, the Petitioner can seek to have their petition granted by default. A hearing on the default needs to be scheduled.
• Contested Cases: When a response is filed, the case becomes a contested matter. A case manager will schedule a meeting with the parties to narrow the issues and prepare statements of their agreements or disagreements.
• Consent Decree: After a 60 day waiting period, parties may submit a mutually agreed upon consent decree. A court officer will review it. If it is approved by the court, it will be signed, becoming a court order, and sent to the parties.

9. ISSUES SURROUNDING CONTINUED ACCESS TO MATERNAL AND PATERNAL RELATIVES:

During the CFT parent information program, we discuss how extended family members are a lifeline of support when:

• They provide supportive relationships to children to boost self-esteem and reduce potential mental health problems
• They provide a sense of family identity
• They reassure the children that their extended family members on both sides love them and are there for them

10. RESOURCES IN THE COMMUNITY TO OBTAIN ADDITIONAL SERVICES:

The Conciliation Services of the Family Court Department has developed the following list of community resources to benefit children's needs. During the CFT parent information program, we also identify resources that participants have found useful for their children.

Click HERE to download a six page listing of resources
for you and your children in the Adobe PDF file format.